My First Twilight

**warning: spoiler**

**p.s. it won't enhance the film if you don't know the ending already**

After months of hearing screaming tweenfans and mothers who live vicariously through their daughters’ lives gab on and on about this Edward Cullen and his “liquid topaz eyes,” I finally bit the cinematic bullet and lost my Twilight virginity the other night.

Rather than reading any of the surprisingly thick novels by Stephanie Meyer or pre-gaming by watching the first book-to-film adaptation , Twilight, I decided to go in full-force without any background knowledge and accompanied a few friends to the midnight premiere of what is sure to be another MTV Movie Award contender, New Moon.

I have to say, I’m not sure if I knew what I was in for. I mean, yes, I knew I wanted to write a review on New Moon beforehand, but that’s simply because I love writing reviews and hadn’t done one in some time.

And I knew it wasn’t going to necessarily be a great movie. Its target audience is mostly composed of boy-crazed schoolgirls who haven’t experienced the realities and pleasures of either a) real romance or b) quality filmmaking. 

Accordingly, I’m not here today to write a review about the inevitable failures of New Moon as far as guidelines for great movies are concerned. Let’s face it, New Moon doesn’t have much to offer, cinematically speaking: wooden dialogue, a questionable soundtrack, even more questionable full circle camera rotations, and acting that would make most porn stars realize if there’s always someone better than you in the world, there’s definitely also someone far, far worse.

No, I knew (even though I hate to say that with such snarky confidence) that New Moon would not be a great film. But I had no idea how powerfully dangerous its message to the thousands of girls (and boys) absorbing every piece of lame vampire lust really would be.

What exactly is that message? Oh, it’s quite clear: women need men.

I hate to hoist myself up on another feminist soapbox (see my Lady Gaga analysis, if interested), but then again, I don’t think I’m doing just that. New Moon isn’t bad for women because of some underlying theme involving feminist theory or symbolic castration. New Moon just tells girls it’s okay to be stupid, plain and simple.

Bella (played by Kristen Stewart , whose facial expressions suggest a serious need of some good Laxatives) is dumped by her vampire boyfriend and spends most of the movie moping around, claiming her life is empty without him.

That’s fine and dandy if she were a complex being who would develop throughout stages in life and realize the positive and negative implications of this life-changing situation. But that’s not what Bella does.

She cries. She screams. She cries and screams simultaneously (her only discernable talent). She finds herself chasing dangerous situations to catch a glimpse of her beloved Edward. You know, the usual.

True, she finds a substitute in the form of the tantalizing Jacob (Taylor Lautner ) to help forget about Mr. Cullen for a moment, but as soon as her true love tricks her stupid little mind into an impromptu trip to Europe to save him, she’s all about the blood-sucking boyfriend again. Forget the abs.

Bella isn’t a deep character. She only thinks about the men in her life, mostly referring to Edward. They all claim to be dangerous, but she doesn’t care. She needs them. They save her when in trouble, which is often, since she’s portrayed as one of the dumbest, most pathetic females to ever grace the screen (keep in mind, she’s pretty much the only leading female we and dozens upon dozens of adoring fans still forming an ability to consciously analyze media and art see throughout the unbearable and often laughable two hours of New Moon).

At one point, Bella is almost killed by a dreadlock-sporting vampire who finds her chillin’ in the massive woods of Washington State one afternoon. She seems to accept his impending attack and whispers, “I love you Edward” before what she thinks will be her death (before wolf man saves the day).

Seriously? Her last words were about Edward – her man? Her monotone knight in pale-skinned armor?

Please, someone find me an example of Bella making a self-governed decision, discovering her true self, or functioning in some positive way without one of her two men? You will search for a long time, my friends.

Bella is the epitome of the helpless damsel in distress, except she seems to be accepted by Twilight fans as a heroine, an idol. Despite her idiocy, dependency on men, and overall rejection of self-awareness and introspective capabilities, Bella is the character whose fans across the country (including their big sister and mother) perceive as the main character caught in a very difficult battle for romance, when in fact, she's battling much more than a boyfriend who glitters in the sun (Meyer's "brilliant" contribution to the realm of vampire culture).

What a scary, scary reality.

Don’t watch this movie for its utter lack of any real entertainment value. Avoid and criticize it for its potential ability to impact individuals – particularly women – in such a negative light. Let’s look it at it from a more holistic perspective and realize that movies aren’t always just bad or good, smart or stupid. Sometimes, they’re just an omen for continual pressures and traditional convictions of limited confidence for female individuals across the country.